Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Dialectic Journal - "Identical"

1. "Like Kaeleigh and me, they're perfect on the outside. But behind the Normal Rockwell facades, each holds its secrets. Like Kaeleigh's and mine, some are dark. Untellable. Practically unbelievable."



In this passage where Raeanne describes the neighborhood she lives in, she starts to get into personal levels of the problems of her and her sister. You get the vibe that she has some very hideous secrets and the author uses such strategies that captures your attention immediately.


2. "I do have friends, but they don't know me, only someone I've created to take my place. Someone sculpted from ice. I keep the melted me bottled up inside. Where no one can touch her, until, unbidden, she comes pouring out."



This shows me that Kaeleigh is consciously aware of what she's doing to herself, somewhere deep in her head. She knows all she's holding in and she knows the consequences, but there's a dark reason that she cannot tell anyone.



3. "Afterward, Mom didn't love Daddy anymore, though he stayed by her side until she healed, begging forgiveness, promising to somehow everything right. In fact, since the accident, Mom doesn't love anyone. She is marble. Beautiful. Frigid. Easily stained by her family. What's left of us, anyway. We are corpses."



Explains the first gap that existed between the family, where everything first started. Raeanne talks about the car accident that everyone blames on Dad, and thus, broke apart their perfect family.



4. "...So I turn to Mick, valley hardass in more ways than one. Mom says, That boy is trouble. You steer clear, understand? Like I give a rat's shiny pink butt what Mom thinks. Actually, I'm amazed she even noticed. Maybe she has spies who keep an eye on us when she can't be bothered. After all, it wouldn't do for a daughter of a United States Congresswoman to get pregnant, now would it?"



Raeanne chooses destructive ways with Mick, who provides her with weed and meaningless sex to fill the hole in her heart where Daddy's little affections never reached. This reflects on her opinions of her mother, who's missing half the time and never bothers to care for her children. Raeanne clearly sees her mother as a cold emotionless robot who cares only about her career.



5. "His touch is soft as a dandelion, ready to release its spores. I feel his eyes trace my silhouette, steel myself against what will come next. But the quilt doesn't move. His lips brush my forehead. You're so much like her, he whispers. Why can't I just take it all back?"



From Kaeleigh's point of view - when Daddy slips into her room for more relief of his needs. Kaeleigh's father turns to Kaeleigh when he couldn't receive any affection from his wife because she couldn't forgive him for the accident she believes that was his fault. Because of what her father has done, Kaeleigh is shaken to the core from the abuse.



6. "Weird. I always thought cutters were sick. Sicker than me, even. But with a single swipe I understand why they do it. Why they like it, even though they hate it. I let the water run over the cut, ratchet it hotter, watch the blood slow, stutter, almost halt. I like the way the exposed flesh looks, all pinkish white. It looks new, although I know that isn't right. It's the same age as my skin, my bones. Me. It's been there with me since the beginning. Been there with me through thick. Thin. Daddy. Suddenly I don't like how it looks at all."



Kaeleigh talks about her self-destructive ways driven by her habit of holding everything in. She starts to believe in harming herself as something she can control, some kind of new horrid feeling other than the old horrid ones she's used to. But then when she trails her thought along onto her father, she becomes disgusted. It shows how unhealthy she is and how unhappy she is of her relationship with her dad. Even though this new method aids her temporarily off her usual drama, once it reminds her of her father, she immediately stops and draws back.



7. "I understand why Kaeleigh liked the feel of slicing her flesh, releasing bottled-up hurt. Leather snaps against my skin, and I remain still as stagnant water, afraid I might not play by his rules. This is a new game, and the sick thing is, I see quickly that I like it, might ask to play again. The pain is fuzzy at the edges, blurring past pleasure. Maybe it's the hash, arms of opium. And now new leather -- human, Ty -- falls softly over the heated welts, a soothing balm of sweat-beaded skin. But then heightened pain, forced inside me, stuffed inside me. Seared, branded, likely marked, a moan escapes me and Ty surges. After, knots loosened, a rub of cool eucalyptus oil persuades me i do want to play again. Soon."



Just in one passage Raeanne messes up her body in several ways. Physically with the self-inflicted harms, the drugs, and the non-existing respect she has for herself by letting a stranger use her body in this way. She will do anything to ease the pain existing inside her head.



8. "I let out my breath. Concentrate on sinking deeper and deeper and ... oh, but what's poised below? What monsters of the deep might decide to chew on me? Will it hurt, the final release? Is there pain when the spirit pries itself free of the flesh? Why worry about that now? I can feel the excavation, and it's painless so far. My lungs fill with water. Silt. Mud. Now it hurts to breathe. So i won't. I'll settle deep into the darkness. And I won't say good-bye."



Kaeleigh makes a suicide attempt by ingesting too many painkillers and alcohol. She was in so much pain emotionally and physically that she just wanted a relief from it, to be free from the world. She felt she had nothing left to live for.


9. I'm ready to talk. "Is there such a thing as a split personality?" Her eyes measure me up and down. Dissociative identity disorder is extremely rare, but yes, it's real. "Do the different identities know about each other?" Sometimes. Usually not. Sometimes one does, but the others don't. There are no definites with DID. "Could you split into someone you know -- or used to know?" The jury's still out on how the alters develop. But i suppose you could take on aspects of someone familiar. "Will one -- what did you call it? Alter? -- do stuff another one won't?" My questions have definitely piqued her interest. Often that's the case, yes. Why? Do you know someone like that? Well, duh. Why would I ask? "I think so. What causes it?" Usually a childhood trauma. An illness, or an accident. Most often it's related to sexual abuse in the formative years.


Here is the passage where Kaeleigh recognizes that she needs help and is sent to a professional. When she realizes what has been happening to her so far she wants to know what she can do to help herself recover.

10. But totally healthy is something I might not ever be. One thing for sure. I will break the abuse cycle. It stops with me. My children will not live in fear. I will create a home of nurture and love, and raise them there.

So Kaeleigh recovers from all the self-inflicting destruction and makes up her mind that her life is gonna get better from this point forth.

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